I do? That's easy for you to say.

As if to rub our noses in it, our local park, Europa Platz beim Friedensengel, does a brisk trade in wedding photos. What's to bet that the bride chucks a wobbly and demands they retouch the rubbish bin out of the picture?

* * * * *

Naturally, Master Right and I are in favour of gay marriage. But we violently oppose gay weddings.

So many trappings of a conventional wedding demean and insult the couple whose joint life it is meant to celebrate. The bride officially becomes property of the groom, while the groom is more-or-less a bytander at the whole affair. Mainlining alcohol, guests unpack their emotional baggage on each other and behave like monkeys. Yes, weddings suck.

Thankfully, in Germany, one doesn't need to do all that. One simply visits a notary's office, signs an agreement, and you're hitched. Gay or straight.

Well, it's simple if you're German. If you're a foreigner, you need to wave a brace of documents under an official nose, to guard against bigamy, marriages-of-convenience, or other hanky-panky.

First, you need to prove when and where you were born, and that you are not married to anyone else.

No problem for Master Right. His birthplace, Japan, is sensible. The whole thing can be taken care of in a single visit to the consulate.

As a citizen of both the USA and Australia, I am in a messy position. Both countries are federations of states, and each state keeps track of hatches, matches and despatches.

The US authorities are uncooperative or obtuse, and the Australians are mostly drunk or something. The US is not a signatory to the Hague Convention for the internationalization of documents, so my birth certificate needed to cross the Atlantic several times to be stamped, sealed, confirmed, apostilled and vouchsafed by an army of civil servants. And in spite of letters and sworn statements which showed the contrary, the Australian Botschaft (embassy) still issued documents which referred to Miss Master Right. The Australian Botschaft? More like the Australian botch-up.

If you and your spouse wish to live here, the demands mount. One needs to prove coverage by health insurance and a sufficient income. You must submit a floorplan of your home; German law demands a home provide 12.5 square metres per person.

Further, the notary must satisfy herself that both parties understand the agreement. This means that one needs a sworn translator into one's native tongue.

Thus, a rather peculiar wedding party assembled last week, amid the girly, weddingy decor at the offices of Frau Ehe, Notary Public. There was Master Right, his Japanese translator, my English translator, and me.

Oh, and my translator's dog. He goes everywhere with her. Since this is an anonymous blog, I shall not post pictures of the wedding party, but I feel it safe to show a snapshot of the dog. His name is Kuscheln. Or, in English, Cuddles.

Cuddles always pees at weddings. It's the excitement.

As we waited for Frau Ehe to arrive, our translators chatted. Both had recently served time behind bars; that is, they translated in prison. I joked that they need adjust their vocabulary only slightly from arraignment to marriage. The Japanese translator remarked that foreigners can get themselves into trouble under both circumstances.

I really lucked into a great English translator; a leader in her field, and office-holder in the professional association of translators. She was curious to observe her Japanese counterpart, another highly-qualified professional, who faced quite different obstacles with her assignment.

The Japanese language uses sparse grammar and limited sounds. Much day-to-day Japanese is structured to keep a polite distance between two speakers; it can be constructed to reveal little.

When one needs to speak of more complex matters--like law, love or laughter--Japanese reverts to elaborate metaphor. And emotional arguments sometimes carry the same weight as rational ones.

A linguistic challenge, given the thorough, and thoroughly dry, German documents that Frau Ehe led us through. She took great pains to stress that the Lebenspartnerschaft wouldn't apply in the US, Australia, or Japan. She wanted to make clear that this union was not a back-door way to obtain a legally-binding marriage in our home countries.

Therefore, it was only useful if our life would be based in Germany. Herr Headbang has chosen to make his life in Germany, she observed, and asked if Herr Right had yet done the same.

Before Master Right could answer--indeed, before this were even translated into Japanese for him--the translator leapt into a passionate speech. This man, she pleaded, was a man of courage, following his dream and creating a new life in spite of the odds. This went on for several sentences. Master Right was touched.

"Would you like me to tell you our story?" I offered, in English.

"No," replied Frau Ehe, "I get it."

Naturally. our Japanese translator embarked on a subsequent translation of this whole exchange. And it served as a neat segue into Frau Ehe's next subject. A little homily.

We asked for no wedding vows or such silliness, but Frau Ehe decided she'd toss in a speech, for free. It picked up on the theme of courage.

She reminded us that the uncertainty which affects modern life acts against the idea of marriage. That making a commitment to a shared life, forever, takes bravery and faith in the future. She congratulated us for making that choice, in a binding agreement before the state. And, she added uncomfortably, God. Or, um, whatever we would like to call that thing up there. Ah, good ol' Catholic Bavaria.

Both our translators signed the document, along with Master Right and me. Et voila, we were husbands. We declined the you-may-now-kiss business--we're not into PDAs--and gave each other a hearty, relieved hug.

The perfect wedding, I think.

* * * * *

P.S. Hat-tip to Brock and Manuel for referring us to Frau Ehe.

UPDATE

We presented our Lebenspartnerschaft to the Kreisverwaltungsreferrat. (Don't you love German words?) Good news. Master Right now has a visa to stay in Germany, but he has five years to learn German. That will be amusing.

Comments

[Jul]

Congrats, you courageous, courageous gentlemen.

[nursemyra]

oh wow! you got married! how fantastic. tell me your snailmail address and I'll send you a gift. it won't be expensive though....

rocky@geko.net.au

[tqe / Adam]

Congratulations!

I'm looking forward to meeting you in person soon!

[Anonymous]

Congatulations, mate, I knew you would make an honest man of him eventually.

Lots of Love and Kisses,

Ca$h McBuck

[cliff1976]

Alles Gute!

See you soon...

[Miss Betty Fjord]

My goodness golly me - how wonderful! Big sloppy hugs and kisses to you both. PS - my love life seems to have taken a remarkable turn for the better (well, let's face it, it couldn't get worse). Maybe there's something in the air?xxx

[jen]

Congrats! or is it best wishes? I see a niche market on gay marriage etiquette.

I had to swear I was a woman in good moral standing when our SF marriage certificate was entered into the German books. I still have no idea what she meant by that.

[A Free Man]

Congratulations! Hope that the two of you have many years of happy marriage.

"the Australians are mostly drunk or something..." That certainly explains my experience with Aussie bureaucracy!

[arizaphale]

I seem to remember an irate phone call some three years ago on the morning after my weeding! So. I think I can say we are EVEN!!!!!
(moanmoanyouthinkhe'dtellhisfriendsImeanmoanmoanweminghthaveboughtaplanefareorsomethingmoanmoanm...)
PS: congratuf**kinglations you old queen/s

[headbang8]

Yes, I was very irate that you had a weeding without warning anyone. I really wanted to chew on a soursob with you as you tossed the dandelion bouquet.

But then, South Australia has problems with Bridal Creepers. (No kidding-- http://www.weeds.org.au/cgi-bin/weedident.cgi?tpl=plant.tpl&state=sa&s=&region=flb&card=V24)

[headbang8]

By the way, Arizaphale.

"Old"?

Pot? Kettle? Black?

Love, HB

[Anonymous]

I remember that weeding, because
The Rose was too pruned to go.
But I was glad you both showed up.

Ca$h McBuck

[scatterlined]

Congrats! I'm ashamed that the US doesn't "allow" your love to be recognized.
All the best to you and Master Right.

[Kenski]

What happens if Mr Right doesn't learn German? Eek!

Congrats on the marriage!

We had our wedding before Civil Partnerships were legal in the UK, and as we're a binational UK/US couple with many, many mid-western relatives who weren't going to travel unless they could drive there. As New Orleans is close to both our hearts (and responsible for the condition of both our livers) we decided to throw a southern bash in The Quarter. Cultural car crash. Middle-class England rubbing shoulders with shell-shocked vietnam vets. As the sun went down over Bourbon Street, everybody's tits came out. It wasn't always a pretty sight, but it was fun!

We struggled with our officiant. Louisiana was passing their anti-gay marriage constitutional ammendment and he was twitchy about using the M world in the ceremony. At the time it seemed important to us, so we agreed that he would basically give his speeches about the importance of marriage yada-yada, then through clever wording, hashed out over several vodka martinis, he would insert the work 'union' at the end. Nobody noticed. No-one went to jail. The second line around the Vieux Carre was conga-licious, with guests and locals alike joining in the festivities. The absence of 'a bride' didn't seem to faze anyone. Still, it was after 3pm, so everyone in the city was a few hurricanes into the evening (this was pre-Katrina, of course).

It's always bitter-sweet returning to the US, now that we're 'legal' here and in many EU states. Somehow 'they' make you feel less 'married' over there. Maybe things are changing. Only time will tell.

I believe the 'Permanent Partners for Immigration' legislation has become 'Uniting American Families' or some such thing. Even if federal gay marriages or civil unions don't go through, there's a possibility there... not that I'm sure there's anywhere we'd want to live in the US now. Time will tell, I suppose.

[PATRICK]

ROMANS 1:26 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones.

27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.


I, PATRICK, AM THE HOLY ONE OF GOD.

[PATRICK]

This is where you are GOING
HEADBANG8 - if you don’t REPENT!!

I, PATRICK, AM THE LORD’S LIGHT & SALVATION FOR OTHER PEOPLE..

[headbang8]

Kenski,

Many thanks for your kind good wishes.

I think poor, dear Patrick offered rather a nice coda to your last two paragraphs!

Don't be a cyber-stranger.

HB8

[Kenski]

Ah, the coda may be misplaced. It appears that Mr P hails from Sydney, Australia! Methinks his apartment may overlook the parade route.

Nothing against reformed alcoholics... one day I may be one, too... but why-oh-why do they have to find gawd and go all bonkers (or become President)?

[C N Heidelberg]

Congratulations!!!!

[Arizaphale]

Nothing like a surprise weeding eh? old or not!...but I am not sure about Patrick. I think he may be suffering from happiness envy. Which has nothing to do with weeds. I think. Still what would I know?

[Snooker]

I see that you know Patrick too!

Congratulations to you and Mr. Right!
It should be very interesting to meet you this weekend.

[Fish Husband]

I'm late to the game here, headbang, but mazel tov on your married life!

[Andrea]

Congratulations! I enjoyed talking with you this weekend :) You should have mentioned the non-wedding wedding. That's a pretty neat awesome big deal!
I'm off to check out your Tokyo links - now I really want to go there!
Andrea :)

[christina]

My belated congratulations. I had no idea that you had JUST gotten married.

It was a pleasure getting to know a little about you on the weekend. Here's to many more meet-ups.

[Vifargent]

Congratulations! May your love last forever.

I think you were wise and tasteful not going for a big ceremony. At my last one, I did the catering and decorating (ah, but it was perfect! I even folded hundreds of origami cranes!)(ehhh, so much for good luck tokens, I guess), so I imagine that by the time of the ceremony I was likely incapable of being much more than a bystander. --Not so the groom, however, who was a part of the musical entertainment.

And thank you for including a gratuitous cute-dog shot. Best wishes and much happiness!!

[csquaredplus3]

I haven't visited your blog in a few weeks. Congratulations.

Somebody get Patrick a drink.

[SubtleKnife]

I was SURE I congratulated you, but apparently I didn't. So, very belated congratulations to both of you.

I agree on most of your views on marriage and weddings. Possibly one reason I haven't found anyone to marry yet is that I would insist on getting it done on a Tuesday morning (cheap!) and taking the bus or a bike to city hall wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

And if we do decide on some form of jewelry as a token of the marriage, I think I would chose anything BUT a ring. I'm not anyone's property!


PS. Why do religionist websites always have such awful lay-out?

[Formerly Fun]

Congrats, congrats, congrats.

And as for Patrick, I never give much creedance to someone whose version of heaven includes unicorns and springer spaniels.

[pleite]

Congratulations to you both on making it all official AND coping with/defeating the bureaucrats.

[Anonymous]

congratulations you two from one of your favourite retaurants in Tokyo (at least we hope so)

[QVC]

congrats this is really good stuff.

[Stretch Your Gas Pump Dollars]

I agree you are really a courageous man. Congrats and god bless.