This Wedding Needs More Sex

Dear Abby,

I’m about to witness a major social gaffe.  An etiquette atrocity.  A crime against the peace, order and good government provisions of the Australian Constitution .  Proof that the universe is imploding.  A herald of the Rapture.

My number one fag hag, Miss Betty Ford, has decided to tie the knot.  That’s not the gaffe, though.  The wedding plans look exquisite.  Miss Betty always gives good wedding.

It's like this. Our dear Betty is the Angelina Jolie of fag hags.  She will adopt any nancy boy with a sob story.  If you've been orphaned by your fag hag when she got a cat/hobby/boyfriend/life, call Betty.  She'll let you cry big, manly tears on her shoulder.

I much prefer crying into her bosom, actually, since her bosom is supremely comfortable. Yours Truly is the only man, apart from her beloved, to whom she grants pillowing priveleges. 

Betty often remarked that for a gay chap, I am oddly fond of a good tit.  Then she met my mother, and recognized that two of the moons of Jupiter nursed me.  She has since supplied her chesty charity in many moments of need.

The Wedding Dress.  *sigh*

The problem  has to do with her bachelorette party, you see.  (In Australia, they call it a hen's night.)  Thanks to a heady mix of Facebook and Renmano Sauvignon Blanc, Betty invited all her gay buddies.  Ever the generous soul, she imagined they might enjoy the...um, entertainment.

Now, Betty's Matron of Humour is the splendid Arizaphale, who's crafted a loving tribute to the bride.  She has written heartfelt toasts, assembled mementos of their shared youth, and concocted amusing parlour games which would reveal how much each guest knows about Betty's past.  She thought up several witty puns about hens. But it soon became apparent that she had arranged no...um, entertainment.

Oh my god.  Oh. My. God.  Oh! My! God!  

When confronted with her faux pas, Arizaphale pleaded ennui.  "We good ole girls aren't exactly spring chickens," she wrote, warming to the hen's night theme.  "We've seen enough cock to last us a lifetime, and therefore are less than impressed with it anymore."

I can make neither head nor tail of that sentence.  Surely, the phrase "enough cock" is logically impossible. 

The question is, Abby, should we gay boys take matters into our own hands? (And if we're lucky, mouths?) 

Is it best to be subtle?  Perhaps a hired hunk might stroll past and casually drop trou, maintaining it was a coincidence that he was overcome by a heat rash on his buttocks at that very moment? 

Should we damn the torpedoes and get the guy in the cop uniform to do the whole who's-been-a-naughty-girl routine, even if handcuffs cost extra? 

Or ought we do the job ourselves, arriving naked to ensure there are some ornamental genitalia on display? 

Further, the couple's beloved dog will act as ring bearer.  Technically, she's a member of the bridal party, too.  Should we rent a Great Dane or something?


Anxiously awaiting your advice. The party is tonight, and the wedding approaches!

Headbang8
Serial Wedding Guest

Comments

[ian in hamburg]

Red dress, plunging cleavage... Did you swipe that shot from the nurse's Friday collection, HB?

Do enjoy. :-)

[Mo]

Excellent bosom. Good job, sir.

[arizaphale]

Alright. *sigh* I'll organise a stripper for her next wedding.

[Wahlmünchnerin]

I've lived in MUC for 10 years and can't believe I just found this blog in the last couple of months. Loving You!

[G]

It's your duty to provide a hot, stripping, cop for this party. Hop on it (as it were).

[Kevin C Jones]

Thank goodness you didn't come with me to the Anonynimous Anonynimous meeting. Somebody from Pittsburgh was there. He recognized you from your photo. The photo was a piece of cabbage, but most refused to to identify that to be true. Love AA

[arizaphale]

I am pleased to see Cash is making more sense than usual.

[nursemyra]

"enough cock" tautology indeed. do your duty headbang

[Muskrat]

I look forward to her response. You remind me of my neighbors...I think y'all would get along quite well if you're ever in Atlanta for some odd reason.

[Jul]

Dear Headbang8,

Women are not as fond of looking at cock as you seem to think they are. Especially when it's hanging off of a sweaty stranger. That's something that only turns gay men on.

Abby

[headbang8]

I was going to use the word "tautology", but then readers would have to look it up to make sure they aren't confusing it with "oxymoron". I certainly had to.

[headbang8]

Sure. Right.

[Cissy Strutt]

Cock required. That is all.

[Kevin C Jones]

What do Vegan gay men do? Spit or swallow?
Reminds me of local comedian Josh Thomas coming out as an atheist to online Christian damnation.
"What Christians don't realise," he said, "is that scaring atheists with hell, is like a hippy dude threatening to punch out your aura."

[Kevin C Jones]

I've lived an oxymoronic life in Humble, Texas. And tasted the tautonomic fruits of Wagga Wagga. But "enough cock" always reminds me of my last endoscopy. And colonoscopy.
I should have paid in McNuggets not KFC.

[Jennifer Thorne]

I'm sure they think of it as a protein and zinc supplement...

[headbang8]

Vegan gay men all eat meat. One way or another.

[headbang8]

Jennifer,

Nice to see you around DüE.

Most gay men wouldn't see it as a supplement. More like the main meal.

[Jennifer Thorne]

Hi Headbang,

I fell across your 'Fucking and Intercourse' blog post somehow, and almost hurt myself I was laughing so much.

Thanks for that(:

Checking back every once in a while to see what else you've seen fit to comment about.

[Jennifer Thorne]

Heh. That's something of a sweeping statement. I know quite a few people who would deny the validity of that comment ;p