Vegemite: Operating Instructions

Where is he gay today? A Qantas lounge, somewhere on Earth

Dear World,

We're sick of telling you how to eat Vegemite.  Every tourist who gets breakfast on a Qantas plane opens the little pack of Vegemite, scoops up a mouthful, tastes it, and gags.

Wrong, wrong, wrong!  Vegemite must be eaten as carefully as the fugu fish!

So, for the last time:

• Vegemite cannot be eaten on its own.  You must spread it on something.  Most Australians prefer buttered toast, but Vegemite has dressed everything from an avocado to a well-done steak.  That's Australian cuisine for you.
• Be sure you butter your toast.  Vegemite loves oily or fatty foods.  Without lubrication, it will adhere to any surface: teeth, tongue, or throat.  Melted cheese is also popular.  
• By the way, the manufacturers recently introduced a version of Vegemite with the cheese already in it.  It caused a national uproar, mainly because it had such a dumb name—iSnack 2.0.  
• To make this clear for Americans, it would be like Oscar Mayer calling a hot dog iMeat 2.0 with integrated ketchup. For Brits, the equivalent would be iFish 2.0 with inbuilt chips. So they had a contest to choose a new name. 

• The winner? Vegemite Cheesybite.  "None of the above" came a close second, we understand.
• Spread Vegemite THINLY on your buttered toast.  Vegemite is powerful.  You only need a little.
• The combination of the melted butter, the salty, nutty flavour of the Vegemite, and the bulk of the toast makes the perfect hangover cure for those with a queasy stomach. 
• Mothers also make Vegemite sandwiches with cheese as a kiddie snack, because of the high calcium and vitamin B content.  It might be partly responsible for our national addiction to salty, cheesy snack foods.  If you're lucky, we'll let you have a Cheezel. 

Yours Sincerely

Australians

P.S.  We eat kangaroos, too.

Comments

[ian in hamburg]

A Men at Work song used to have a line that goes:
He just smiled and gave me a Vegemite sandwich.
Before learning the real words I always thought they were saying He just smiled and gave me a bit o' my sandwich.

Carry on.

[arizaphale]

Someone should have written this years ago!

[headbang8]

Especially the bit about the Cheezel.

[Kevin C Jones]

In Iceland and other countries, they bury game animals and leave them to "mature" over several weeks until they achieve the right texture: cheesy.
I asked my friend what it tasted like: "I vomitted immediately, but the aftertaste was cloves, Vegemite, and whale."

[Mo]

How is Vegemite different from Marmite?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marmite

[headbang8]

"The texture is smooth and sticky. It is not as intensely flavoured as British Marmite and it is less sweet than the New Zealand version of Marmite." according to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vegemite. Vegemite actually has spices that make it taste more like beef boullion.

[Addled One]

iSnack 2.0 jars signed by Dean Robbins now on http://cgi.ebay.com.au/iSnack-2-0-Signed-by-Dean-Robbins_W0QQitemZ330379106199QQ

[headbang8]

...or, as we used to call them in Australia, Men at Jerk.

[headbang8]

There's something charming about the brazen-ness with which you have converted server space (for which I pay TypePad a hefty fee every year) to your own ends. That's a tort. But since I am a shameless adman myself, I shall quietly congratulate you, rather than sue you.

[Karyn]

Have you applied for an advertising position with Vegemite corp? After reading the delicious description you so eloquently penned, I rushed to the pantry and dug through mounds of Tabasco Sauce, Ketchup and Bottled Jalapenos (I am after all, residing in the stupid state they call Texas) and found it at last!

My vegemite-in-a-tube. I browned my toast as per your instructions butter first, spread on gingerly... mmmm.....Nirvana. Thanks for the inspiration.

[Kevin C Jones]

Never thought of Texas as stupid, just mos'. Add a few jalapenos to the toast and you can sell it as Tex-Oz.

[Dave]

I've never gathered up the... gumption?... to buy vegemite. But I've wanted to try it for a while. At least now I'll know how to do so when the day rolls around.

[Kevin C Jones]

My brother from Chicago has tasted Australian deluxe beer perhaps too much in his recent visit. And, he admits he has hoovered/dysoned too many cigarrettes.
But he has done wonders in cleaning up the house collective. Woonderful. So I'll only put a dab of each veg behind his ears.